Saturday, May 3, 2008

Reader's Poll

I have a hypothetical question for all my loyal readers. What the heck, for all my disloyal readers, too. Here it is:

Let's say there is a couple and they've been together for a long time. We'll call them Eleanor and Gus. In this hypothetical situation, Gus owns an item, let's just say it's a Green Bay Packer helmet lamp - it might look something like this:

Gus loves his Packer lamp. Eleanor hates it. One day while Gus is away, Eleanor, without discussing it with Gus first, packs up the Packer lamp intending to get rid of it. Upon his return, Gus is surprised to discover that his beloved Packer lamp is slated for the trash heap. Eleanor insists that the lamp is ugly and tacky, but not tacky enough to be cool. Gus maintains that, with the exception of the lamp, all the decorative items in their house were chosen by Eleanor and he has already given up many prized possessions. Eleanor then says Gus must choose between her or the lamp.

What do you think? Here are some options from which to choose:

a) Eleanor should focus her energy on something truly important and let Gus keep his Packer lamp. If she really cares about him, she should allow me, I mean him, to keep this one small, insignificant item.

b) Gus should keep the lamp and find a good divorce attorney.

c) Gus should keep the lamp, but put it where it will almost never be seen: maybe the scary bathroom in the basement.

d) Gus should say goodbye to the lamp, even though it would be akin to having someone reach down his throat, grab his heart, tear it out, throw it on the dusty ground and stomp on it while wearing golf shoes.

e) You have some other solution that you will now share.


Anonymous said...

There are few household items as ugly as that lamp. I say, put it in the scary bathroom in the basement.

Suzy said...

Anonymous is a wise woman, er, person. I agree wholeheartedly.

Anonymous said...

Anyway, how did you even know if the lamp was gone or not, with all the other detritus piled on your dresser?

I agree with Suzy.

FranIAm said...

Let's just say another anonymous couple, we will call them Mr He Loves Tacky Sports Things and we will call her I Am Not A Decorator But I Have Taste.

And in their house, the missus has moved into an entire realm of lamps and such, only the logo is for the NY Jets.

And these people have no scary bathroom or anything like it to put these things.

Since you do - I say basement it is.

And I have a new burst of courage and someone is out at the Y for a few hours...

Anonymous said...

Dear Ed,

Had you not published a photo of that lamp, I would have said, "Mr. Uranium should be allowed to keep his lamp, above ground." I have the utmost sympathy for those who long to add a few touches of their own to their home, seeing as how I live in a house where the Architect dictates, and I have to fight to display family photos!

However, having seen a photo of the lamp, I have to agree, bury it in the basement.


Suzy said...

Yay, Beth! Yay, Fran! I happen to know that the lamp came from ShopKo. Puh-leez!

Hey, Ms. Architect's wife (and historic preservationist) what do you think of these tasteful things. Should I buy them?

Anonymous said...

Suzy, if you're looking for a ruinous folly for your garden, I have just the thing. It is a 1920s concrete cherub, salvaged from the demolition of the Dixie Court Hotel in West Palm Beach. It weighs about 50 pounds, and I'm sure it would look great in your garden, MUCH better than a bunch of balusters. Best of all, it's free!


Suzy said...

Beth -- Sold! Ed wants to know ... does it pee? (Does he have an obsession or what?)

Ed said...

Anonymous #1 & #2: I know who you are, I know where you live, and you're not as anonymous as you might think!

Suzy: Ha.

Franiam: Might I respectfully suggest that you discourage I Am Not A Decorator But I Have Taste from getting too carried away while Mr. He Who Loves Tacky Sports Things is at the Y?

Beth: I thought you were my friend. Would it make a difference if I removed the photo?

A clarification: The results of the poll on this hypothetical situation may not be hypothetically binding. Or, as Dick Cheney said in an interview when informed that the majority of Americans felt the U.S. should get out of Iraq: "So?" The precedent has been set at the highest level of government. It appears that it's patriotic to ignore the wishes of the majority.

Besides, it's a beautiful hypothetical lamp.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Gus keeps the lamp and puts it in a place where he can enjoy it but where his wife won't have to look at it it everyday. Some wives will never ever understand why we love sports and our teams and they will never ever stop us from loving sports and our teams no matter how many times they tell us that they think football is stupid because they don't understand it or because it's too violent or too whatever. Perhaps Gus's wife should just accept the fact that her husband has an attachment to his team and that he will follow them during football season and that he will keep a keepsake, a psychic touchstone, a reminder of his love for his Packers, no matter what she says or thinks.

There is room for compromise but Gus's wife needs to remember that she has to give in some too. I'm sure it's not like Gus is overly crazy about his team and pro football, I have seen his very sensible comments about the game written here and elsewhere.

To make a long comment even longer, Gus, and the rest of us guys, will not stop loving football and it's not going to kill you to let him keep his lamp.

Little Merry Sunshine said...

You didn't ask for my opinion, but I saw your comment on Dr. Monkey's blog, so I thought I'd check out your poll.

I can appreciate your hypothetical situation because I'm a diehard Chicago Bears fan and we have some tacky-ass souveniers down here.

Your hypothetical situation also reminded me of a Brad Paisley song called "I'm Gonna Miss Her" ( about a guy who is obsessed with fishing and his wife finaly says "me or the fish - you choose" and you can guess which one he chose.

I say all of this to suggest a compromise. Gus can't get rid of the lamp - it will bring all kinds of damnation on the Packers (wait, then I'm in favor of getting rid of the lamp - I'm a Bears fan afterall!). But Gus's lovely wife should not be subjected to the lamp 365 days/year. What if Gus put the away during non-football season, but as long as Green Bay was playing (not just practicing, but playing) the lamp could be out?

Since pre-season games start in August, hypothetically, Gus could have his lamp out 6 months a year (August - January), assuming the Packers advanced in the playoffs (again, I'm a Bears fan, so my fervent hope is that the Packers don't).

Just my 2 cents, which you didn't ask for.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Gus could keep the lamp on his workbench. (He MUST have a workbench. Don't all guys have a workbench?)Or out in the garage.

And Dr. Monkey, who do you think sends you more swag -- "Gus" or "Eleanor"?

Maybe "Gus" could negotiate a deal with "Eleanor" that involves the acquisition of some backyard chickens. (CHICKENS? Who the heck said anything about chickens???)

Ed said...

Thank you Dr. Monkey and Little Merry Sunshine for your insightful comments. The poll results were looking a little one-sided for a bit there.

Anonymous: Let's not forget that some of that swag that Eleanor sent was provided, packaged and shipped by Gus. Backyard chickens? I'm all for chickens in the back yard; it's so close to the grill.

Anonymous said...

I think that glorious lamp should be proudly displayed in a prominent spot in their house. Or in the bedroom. It has been clinically proven that Packer paraphernalia has aphrodisiacal properties.

quakerdave said...

Gimme a break. This is enough to cause marital discord?

A. Obviously.

True love means never having to say "that lamp goes or I do."

Love me, love my (Eagles helmet, in my case) lamp.

Sheesh. Next crisis.

Crayons said...

Dear Gus -- I mean He Who -- I mean Ed,

I think the coupld in question could just flip a coin. It's such a hard thing. I am currently involved in an issue having to do with those brightly-colored rubber shoes that hypothetical people wear.

Micgar said...

I say put it in the scary bathroom also. That way it could be enjoyed while pooping and peeing.

Anonymous said...

I think that Eleanor should allow Gus to display it proudly in the center of the living room on that overturned laundry basket, just the way it is in the photo!

Terry said...

What happened?