Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Who thought this was a good idea?

These billboards have been popping up all over the place recently. They seem to be part of a new campaign. Before we go on, I have to say I like the way the dude is crashing through the windshield - and he's smiling as he does it. Nice touch!

Okay, let's think about it for a minute. Imagine a couple. Let's call them "Mr. and Ms. G", just for the sake of our little exercise. Let's listen...

Ms. G.: Honey, don't you think you're driving a little too fast?

Mr. G.: (singing quietly to himself): Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer...

Ms. G. (let's assume that Ms. G., like most people, speaks a little Norwegian when under stress): Oy sån! Oy sån! Honey...

Mr. G.: ...he's a demon on wheels...

Ms. G. (okay, let us also assume that every utterance of "oy" or "oy sån" is accompanied by a great flapping of hands): Oy sån! Oy! Oy! Oy! Hon...

Mr. G.: ...he's a demon and he's gonna be chasin' after someone...

Ms. G. (throw in some stomping on the invisible, passenger-side brake pedal): Oy! Oy! What are you doing? Watch out!

Mr. G.: Hmmm? I wonder which one of these buttons operates the chewey chewies? *

Ms. G. (more flappin' o' the hands and stompin' o' the feets**): Watch out! Oy sån! Watch it!

Mr. G.: (eyes inhumanly large, sweat flying from his forehead and spinning the steering wheel through about  3,600˚): Ohhh! Ohhhhh! Ohhhhhhh! What's Racer X doing here? There's something about him that looks familiar! I wonder who he could be under that mask...

Ms. G.: Watch it! Watchit! Watchitwatchitwatchitwatchit...

Mr. G.: ... and when the odds are against him and there's dangerous work to do...***
What's wrong, Trixie?

Ms. G.: Watchitwatchitwatchitwatchit... I think I'm going to be sick! Stop!

Mr. G.: Stop what?

Ms. G.: Stop driving so recklessly! You're going to get us all killed!

Mr. G.: What do you mean recklessly, Trixie? We've got to win this race if we want to find out where the Mammoth Car is hiding all the stolen gold! Inspector Detector is counting on us!

Ms. G.: I mean singing that stupid song and swerving all over the place! Watch it! And stop calling me Trixie! Oy!

Mr. G.: Trixie would never tell Speed to watch out. Well, okay, maybe she would... but she would never, ever say "Oy sån" and she takes her duties as navigator seriously and doesn't knit when she should be paying attention!

Ms. G.: Stop! Watchitwatchitwatchit! Oysånoysånoysånoysån! Stop right now!!!!

Mr. G.: Fine! You drive! Then maybe you'll shut your pie-hole!

Ms. G.: That's it! I'm getting out! You're insane! And you can just forget about that tandem bicycle we were thinking about! Besides, the real Speed would never tell Trixie to shut her pie-hole!

* In the old Speed Racer cartoon, Speed could press a button on his steering wheel which would deploy hydraulic jacks which, if operated while the Mach 5 was moving, made it fly through the air with a sound that was something like "chewey chewey chewey chewey..."

** Yet another Terry Pratchett reference.

*** This is the part of the song where Speed sideswipes, or is sideswiped by, another car.


Suzy said...

Who thought this was funny? The tears streaming down my face? Well, I'm deeply, deeply hurt.

quakerdave said...

That billboard's kinda cool. I kinda dig kitschy retro graphics.

The idea, though... not so much.

Anonymous said...

HI Ed,

I agree with your comment on Suzy's blog, that finding out what your car can do in slippery conditions is a good idea. I have done the same thing (and Louis thought it was fun). Of course, Cliff drives too fast all the time, in my opinion!


Suzy said...

Hey, Beth -- Whose side are you on?